the privilege of friendship

Last week I told myself, "I'm going to write a little less about teeth grinding topics, and I'll make this a shorter one". But after a dream, and working intensely on a specific pattern, all I wanted to do was writing you. I take full responsibility for any grinding activities 😉.

DISCLAIMER: I had a dream, actually it was just an image. You will not regret knowing more about this unique piece.

I loved you more than any human being and if you died the thing I would miss the most would be you holding my hands. But anyway, please never die!

When what we see has become so twisted,
even our ability to judge may be lost altogether.
​

There is a single name pinned to the top of my heart, a portrait of the darkest moments of my life, when I was treading water in a bottomless well of pain and suffering.

There used to be a bunch of names in neat rows, a mix of friends, lovers, family, co-workers and bosses. Names representing a tangle of intoxication, pleasure, confusion, rejection and pain. I loved and resented a few of those names ferociously, oftentimes in willful ignorance of their messages and the teachers they represented. Every so often I would rearrange them, replace their pictures, unpin one, pin someone new, reorganize myself into a more likeable arrangement of Mirjam, sorting and twisting to make myself right until I was left with only one:
​​
Familiar.
Home to me.
My best friend.

Avoiding and Hiding.

Anyone who finds themself holding hands with patterns, would do well to ask themselves, "Does this feel like a healthy belonging?" Or to put it bluntly, "Where do I put my trust unconditionally?"

Because the thing is, as some of the names got removed from the list, others got added, I’ve gotten used to the solitude, and I am still untangling and retangling myself from a lineage of unconditional trust, a strange peace and safety to this specific pattern.

Holding hands with patterns is a complicated business.
​​
All the things I figured in life, we figured out together. When things got too complicated it showed me ways out of complicatedness. Many times it was the only one in the world who created some stability, would take my call in the middle of the night, drove me to safety, tended to my aching heart, a heart that seemed perpetually blown open, in desperate need to be caressed, loved and bandaged until the pain dulled in intimitate twosomeness. My best friend loves it when there is a need to protect me. It’s basically Avoiding and Hiding’s favorite thing to see threat everywhere and in everything, avoiding dangers and keeping myself hidden safely. It would literally do anything for me because there was a time in our relationship when Avoiding and Hiding was the only one not finding fault in me, never disagreeing with me and never pushing me away or leaving me. I’d need a solid reason to jeopardise that, and frankly speaking, I couldn’t see any reasons for doing that.

It has been the most safe friendship of my life. Being Avoiding and Hiding’s bestie was a privilege.

It was right. Being its friend was a privilege.

>> It presented all sufficient reasons based on numbers and facts for the actions I took

>> It cleared me from all the accusations or charges of fault, wrongdoing and blame

>> It released me from an obligation that bound my conscience, so I was free of all charge

But foremost, it released me from the consequences of unaligning from the laws of the universe.

Blissfullness in full ignorance.

Nobody likes to feel tension, discomfort or guilt, and to get rid of that feeling we need to do something. When we feel uneasy, uncertain, confused, or unsafe and Avoiding & Hiding is in sight, we’d rather choose its comforting cover. We also have other needs. For example, there’s the need for approval, recognition, feeling valued, and being right.

If a need is creating uneasiness and discomfort, Avoiding and Hiding may be the way we deal with it. And then we need to justify our actions so we don’t feel bad. Through experience we learn that avoiding is good and beneficial, and it is easy to do, so we take it on as a strategy.

It even rewards you by employing its methods.

On the human nature level, we also have conscience. This is a wonderful quality of a human life. However, human nature gets twisted by unhealthy patterns. When the way we justify ourselves has already been twisted, by the false, and the shadow sovereign has been taken as true and right, what we think is right and just can become so twisted, that even our ability to judge may be lost altogether.

This pattern puts you in the wrong place.

These last few years since starting life cultivation my bestie and I have reached a whole new capacity of being able to disagree with each other.

Avoiding and Hiding is fckn complicated. It’s one of the patterns we are most reluctant to look at.

Not everyone has the capacity or the courage to face things you don't want to face. It’s painstakingly uncomfortable to admit being wrong. I certainly don’t love complicated things, and I certainly don’t love how tightly I hold hands with Avoiding and Hiding.

This extraordinary piece is like an annoying 1000-piece puzzle that will frustrate the shit out of you until you find a piece that locks in with another piece, and the more pieces you fit together the more you start to see behind the inconspicuous sum of these hard-to-face, hard-to-admit, hard-to-like, hard-to-understand, and hard-to-put together puzzle pieces, till something so remarkable, so beautiful and so special emerges that it is worth squinting for hours in the dark just to make out three square inches of the puzzle.

To my fellow life cultivators: ​
May you see holding hands with your specific patterns, may these become your friends, your teachers to show you where you have derived from the laws of the universe. May you appreciate them, embrace them with all the serpentine glory you can come up with. May you have the courage and fortitude to excavate your exiled parts, the ones you deemed too complicated or confusing to be worth loving, the ones you banished for the hurting you and causing pain and loss.

These are the best parts that help crack the Avoiding and Hiding pattern.

Okay, so much for a shorter email.

XOM

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