Not finding the balance? Try this instead.
"Sometimes I feel mildly frustrated when I hear her complaining again, especially when I am sweating my balls off to make things work. She’s blaming again. Things could be better, they could’ve done this and that, I could’ve done this and that…"
All your attention goes to that.
"Honestly at some point I was hoping she would stop complaining, blaming, and bossing around. I thought we do this collaboratively?"
As time went on your hope gradually turned into annoyance.
"She should be more grateful for all the things she’s receiving here and from me. She’s blaming everyone else but herself. It’s everyone else’s fault. She’s not taking any responsibility. There’s nothing she could improve, she’s not having any flaws. It’s all about her, does she even see what everyone is doing for her, what I’m doing for her? She’s not seeing we’re in it together, both sitting in the same boat. So why make it so unbearable?"
You can draw an analogy between the role of a person you find difficult and a certain object.
What’d you think this certain object is?
A mirror.
Do you use a mirror every day? Most probably, yes.
Why would it be awkward to live without a mirror? Cause we wanna make sure we look presentable. (ever got something sticky or smeary on your face? And anyway, everyone wants to look good).
We can use a mirror in two ways.
#1 One way is to place it facing the person you find difficult. You can have a good look at the faults of this person.
"What is wrong with her? She's getting so much and it’s never enough. Nothings’ ever good enough. How is this useful to hear this day-in-day-out? Is there anything positive about it? How is this beneficial to anyone? Her negativity she’s putting out all the time, I don’t want to spend my time with this kind of person. Day-in-day-out. And the worst part is, what can I really do about it!"
Even though there might be valid points, when these thoughts went through your head, frustration, annoyance, irritation, anger, even a bit of resentment started to develop. As everyday looks the same, you still have some hope, but at the same time your emotional and mental activities, your Qi state, your Jingshen become more complicated. After a couple of months it has become reality.
"She’s doing it every day. I was right. My nightmare has come true."
At this point you are trying to adjust yourself: "I need to make a better effort to adjust my state, I need to be more tolerant."
However, her behavior keeps going, no matter how hard you try, you keep focusing on her behavior. You could still hear the complaining, blaming, and finding faults everywhere. As the days go by you become more annoyed to spend your time with this person. You become less patient and it gets harder to take the unpleasant disturbing emotions. More thoughts come into your mind.
"I can’t enjoy my time anymore, I can’t be free of all the negativity, I want to spend my time differently. How can I enjoy spending time here? Will I have to endure this forever? Is this what I have to settle for?" Annoyance and anger become real resentment. Your hope that she would stop seem less and less realistic as the months go on. Desperation, helplessness and powerlessness also have now crept in and manifest in your Qi and Jingshen state.
In fact, this is something that we do all the time and that we seem to be very good at. Our mirrors are often facing other people, and it seems that it is very easy to see what’s wrong with them.
When something goes wrong or when we don’t feel that great, we instantly look outward to find the causes. It is what the crooked game directs us to do.
#2 The second way of using a mirror is to turn it around so you can see yourself in it.
This is the main way of using your mirror in life cultivation.
When a person is pushing your buttons or making you jump or disturbing you, he or she is your mirror.
How come, Mirjam?
This person makes you reveal your crooked patterns, warts and all. This mirror is showing your 'gates'.
Maybe you can treat this person as part of your cultivation?
If you can use these challenges as a 'gate' enabling you to look into yourself on a deeper level, and go against the moves of the crooked game, to identify the crooked patterns behind them…
This mirror can be even more valuable.
It is on this deeper level that the root of problems lie, and this is where the real work in life cultivation is done.
I hope you want to carry your mirror with you all the time and use it for observing and changing yourself in every given moment. When you use it wisely, not only are you applying to 'go through the gate' but you are seeing every person as your teacher, including the person that disturbs you the most. If this is the approach you take, people who disturb you will become great assets in your life.
This way of training in life cultivation is extremely tough, yet it is a most effective one to get to "Know Yourself" better and to shed the shadow self. The 'gate' which gives you the most struggle will be the one you need to work on the most.
(Though I recommend not to start with the "most" struggle and instead build the practice incrementally).
I can tell you this.
Very few people are undertaking this endeavor. It is no ordinary matter and very different from the external approach of the crooked game. Without sincerity, bravery, strong determination and honesty, it is very hard to turn the mirror around.
To see yourself in it.
XOM
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